Some random story I'm writing

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Some random story I'm writing

Post by Holsety on 2nd June 2011, 9:44 pm

'Kay, so, I don't usually post my writings online because I tend to get a little self-conscious over them. However, I think it would be good for me to get over that by posting this one as I write it, one chapter at a time. I'm by no means a pro author, but go easy on me with the critique.

This story doesn't have a title yet. Heck, I don't even know where it's going, though I do have some things in mind.

I'm gonna use this post to keep notes, updates, and stuff. The actual story will be in the next post.

General Warning: This work contains violence, alcohol, and other stuff. Coarse language has been edited out.

June 2 - Chapter 1 posted


Last edited by LadyTwi on 2nd June 2011, 10:01 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Some random story I'm writing

Post by Holsety on 2nd June 2011, 9:44 pm

Story post

Chapter 1
Word Count: 1 899
Spoiler:
The fire was everywhere. It was an unnatural flame; it towered over him and burned on charred remains much longer than it should have. It was so bright that he had to squint and so hot that sweat was already running down his face.

The flames spread quickly throughout the village. He started to run, trying to get away from the quickly spreading inferno. However, every time he looked behind him it was right there at his heels, like it was chasing him. He ran faster, but it sped up too.

And there were the screams. The tortured, howling screams of people being burned alive. He tried to concentrate on the sound of his own heart pounding, but the voices were there in his head, drowning everything out. Adding that to the feeling of fire licking at his back, he thought he would lose his mind.

He kept running, though, and had soon exited the village and made it into a forest. He was sprinting now, narrowly dodging trees. He was getting tired, though. His breaths became shallower. His heart pounded wildly. His legs screamed. The dying voices grew louder.

He slowed to a walk and the fire embraced him; he couldn’t stand it anymore. He felt no pain as the flames climbed his legs and torso, then enveloped his head.

Two red, gleaming eyes approached him, and then there was nothing.


He jumped awake and stifled a scream. He was sweating profusely and breathing heavily, as if he had really been running for his life. That dream was the most vivid one yet, for sure.

He got out of bed awkwardly and walked over to a desk. He grabbed the bottle that was standing on it, popped the cork, and took a swig of its contents. He needed to drown the growing headache and lingering voices in his head.

Empty bottles rolled around on the floor as the ship swayed back and forth. He almost slipped on one as he made his way back to his bed. He sat down on the edge of it and took another drink. He sat the bottle down and held his head in his hands.

Come on, boy, just give in, a voice crooned in his mind.

**** you, he thought back.

* * *

Bernard stood in the crow’s nest and looked down over the ship. It was an old thing they had stolen from the Arrhian’s ship graveyard and patched back up back when the previous captain was still alive. It was just your average ship, but it had served them well.

The deck was pretty much deserted, except for Zan, who was at the wheel. Bernard waved down at Zan and smiled, but was given a scowl in return. Truth be told, Bernard wasn’t that happy either. He was stuck up there with the sun beating down on him while the rest of the crew was below deck in the shade.

It was a crystal clear day, not a cloud in the sky. There was no wind to speak of and even the ocean was still. It was so hot you could probably cook an omelette on their heads.

Bernard got stuck above deck because he had a slight affinity to wind and could cast spells to keep the sails filled on such a windless day. Zan, on the other hand, had lost in a brawl. Either way, it was brutal work, even for pirates. Bernard tugged at the bandana on his head; the sweat was making it itchy.

He lifted the telescope to his good eye and scanned the horizon. After looking for a minute he spied a boat far off in the distance. It seemed to be moving roughly toward them.

“Cap’n!” he called. “I spy us a target!”

A minute or two passed and Bernard thought maybe he hadn’t heard him. He was just about to yell again when the captain, Aless, finally came up the stairs. He was staggering slightly and his long, purple hair was a jumbled mess. He was carrying a bottle in his hand.

“Whatcha see out there, Bern?” Aless asked.

Bernard raised the telescope again and rubbed his stubbly chin. “Looks like one o’ dem cargo ships. Good pickin’s!”

The captain nodded, but didn’t seem overly interested. He took a drink from the bottle and stared blankly over the water.

When Aless had first taken over the Stormsea pirates after his father, the previous captain, died, most everyone loved him. He had been enthusiastic and proud; the pirates had prospered. As time went on, though, he seemed to be losing it. He drank more and more often and he had even allowed the no-kill policy, which his father had been very keen on and Aless was too, to be violated. He wasn’t himself.

“Cap’n? E’rything okay?” Bernard asked.

“Oh, uh, yeah,” Aless replied, coming out of his reverie. “I wus jus’ thinkin’.”

He gave Bernard a not-so-reassuring grin, then cast a wind spell into the sail, making the ship go faster. Aless’s magic was more powerful than Bernard has ever seen. He was probably better than most court sorcerers; he could torch an entire village in seconds.

There came some noises from below deck. It sounded like a brawl had broken out, which made Bernard sort of glad he was above deck; he hated fights. Aless scowled, then walked over to the stairs.

“Cut it out, you nitwits!” he hollered down at them.

Just then, a commotion exploded out from below deck. The pirates who had been down there clamoured up the stairs and Bernard saw they had their weapons drawn. They swarmed the captain and looked ready to take his head off, but one man stepped out of the group toward Aless and gestured for the others to step back. Bernard could smell the alcohol from way up where he was.

“The ****?!” Aless howled. “What you guys think yer doin’?!”

“We’s takin’ over this ship!” the man replied. It was Jassen, the man who had likely arranged this mutiny. He had complained since Aless had first become captain and had always been looking for a way to usurp him. “We’s lost more plunder than we’s stole wit you in charge! It’s time we had a new cap’n!”

Jassen’s group of mutineers cheered and pushed closer.

“Yer outta yer ****in' minds!” Aless yelled back.

He started to cast a spell, but in his inebriated state he couldn’t get the spell out before Jassen motioned for his group of mutineers to attack. Bernard knew the captain couldn’t hold them all off and he wanted to help, but his legs were frozen in place; the thought of taking on that many of his comrades terrified him.

“Stop this madness!” came a cry from below deck. Luke, a big, burly pirate came running up the stairs along with three other men. They were beaten and bloody, but still charged at the mutineers with their weapons.

The confusion this caused bought Aless enough time to cast a fire spell. He launched it at Jassen, completely engulfing him and others who were standing behind him. Unfortunately, when Aless was drunk he had a tendency to overdo his spells. The fire roared as it hit the deck and began eating up the wood.

“******!” Aless cursed.

Bernard could see that the ship wouldn’t survive this, so he managed to get his legs going and scampered down the crow’s nest. Amid the confusion of fighting and fire, he ran as fast as he could to the emergency row boat and jumped in. However, he didn’t have anything to cut the ropes holding it up. He peeked over the side and continued to watch the action.

He could see Luke fighting three of the mutineers with his great sword. Two of the other supporters were fighting too, but he couldn’t find the last one. Jassen’s charred remains laid in the middle of the inferno along with others. Aless himself was dodging blows and throwing fire spells every which way, since the boat was already lost and he didn’t have his weapon with him.

Bernard then remembered the cargo ship that had been coming toward them. He looked ahead and saw the ship was getting closer. It was moving toward the other side of the ship, though, and he couldn’t get over there as the fire was spreading quickly. However, something seemed odd about that ship to him.

He looked back to the fight and saw Aless had about five mutineers on him. The fighting seemed to have sobered him up as he dodged them all agilely while they swung their axes and swords drunkenly. He rolled out of the way of one axe, and in the process tripped up one of the other pirates, sending him into the fire. He shot fire at another guy, killing him instantly. Two of his attackers backed off, but the last one kept coming. The guy managed to stab him in the left shoulder before Aless shoved him into the fire.

The cargo ship pulled up alongside the pirate ship and slid a plank between them. Aless ran toward the plank but stopped short, though, and then Bernard saw it. Armoured knights charged across. The cargo ship was actually an Arrhian war ship masquerading as a cargo ship to trick pirates. If the mutiny hadn’t started, they would have noticed this and steered clear from the ship as they had done many times before.

Aless turned to run toward Bernard, but the fire had spread all around him. There were several other pirates who were trapped as well; the others made their escape into the row boat. Many of the pirates had been cut down or burned to a crisp. Bernard scooted over to make room for the survivors, and when he looked back he saw the knights dragging the remaining unfortunate ones through the fire and to their ship.

The ropes of the emergency boat were cut and it fell into the ocean with a plop. Luke grabbed the oars and began rowing away as fast as he could. Bernard watched behind them; the Arrhian ship detached from the pirate ship before the fire could spread to it and sped off in the direction it came. The flames engulfed the pirate ship and it began to crumble into the ocean.

In all, there were seven pirates in the row boat. Bernard, three of the captain’s supporters, Luke, Jon, and Shorty, and three of the mutineers, Zan, Crosen, and Bruce. They were all squished together tightly in the small boat.

“We gotta save them who were captured!” Jon, a tall and skinny pirate with a beard that reached his chest, exclaimed.

“Are ye ****in’ mad?!” Zan yelled back at him. “We all know wha’ happens ta criminals when they’s caught by the Arrhians! If we’re caught tryin’ ta save ‘em, the *******s’ll do it ta us too. I’d rather jus’ save me own skin.”

Bruce scowled and rubbed his chin. “Aye, but no pirate deserves that fate. Not even the cap’n, as much as I dislike ‘im.”

The debate continued, but Bernard retreated to his own thoughts. He would very much like to save his own skin too, but he was also very aware of what the Arrhians did to criminals. As Bruce had said, no one deserves that kind of fate.


Last edited by LadyTwi on 2nd June 2011, 10:01 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Chapter 1 posted)

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Spoiler:

Claimed:
Kiseki, sagiri, Fina, HikariKuragari, Kalena from Feudal Era, Illias Vienna from Mage's Retribution, Lylishae from War of Elements
Co-claimed:
Leah7, xenolion
---------
RIP #37
RIP Emily
Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero.
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Holsety
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Re: Some random story I'm writing

Post by JerriLeah7 on 2nd June 2011, 11:03 pm

Wonderful style and diction!!! I really enjoy the dialogue and the detail that you have in this chapter. =) The character's point of views are well written and definitely sets each character apart; bringing them out to the reader realistically.

The one thing that I would do to make this part even better is to include descriptions of these character's appearance. You could describe each character as an unbiased 'narrator' or you could even describe each person as another character sees them. This could be quite interesting if you describe the important characters more than once with different viewers in the book, in order to show how the important characters look differently from different point of views. This can add both an amusing twist or just more depth to the character or both, depending on your style!

Just a suggestion. =) Wonderful work, Twi, I really enjoyed reading this!

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Re: Some random story I'm writing

Post by Holsety on 3rd June 2011, 9:45 am

Thank you so much Leah! Character description is one thing I'm not particularly good at, so I'll work on that and I'll keep your suggestion in mind. :3

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Spoiler:

Claimed:
Kiseki, sagiri, Fina, HikariKuragari, Kalena from Feudal Era, Illias Vienna from Mage's Retribution, Lylishae from War of Elements
Co-claimed:
Leah7, xenolion
---------
RIP #37
RIP Emily
Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero.
avatar
Holsety
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Posts : 8820

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